The Body Confidence Wobbles Are Real

I wanted to express that body confidence wobbles are very real, one minute we feel like we are flying high and the next we are questioning how others see us and how we see our selves.

I wanted to let you know, I also have these wobbles and they are so normal and natural. I think what I have trained myself to do is just KEEP GOING. I think mindset is key, and although I have experience trauma in my competitive and professional ice skating show career, I also feel it has made this mindset possible. It's that athletes mentality of never giving up.

I thought I would write this blog, as it has come to my attention that a couple of my students have experienced these wobbles recently. So I felt the need to tell my story.

I did my first show when I was 18 years old. It was at casino in Slovenia. I went to rehearsals wide eyed and completely oblivious of what this world was going to be like. I have to say, it was hell. I felt pretty unhappy most of the time. Not home sick, just made to feel I just wasn't good enough. Back then you were weighed every two weeks, and I did end up gaining around 7Ibs. Because I was gaining weight, and these are the words of the choreography who actually passed away a couple of years ago said to me, "You are fat and disgusting you really look terrible out there. " I'm sure you can imagine what these words would do to a young 18 year old, trying to make a dream come true.

Can you spot me in the below picture?

When I look back at these photos I don't see a fat person, as I know I'm clearly not, but in my head I felt hideous under that fake smile. I really don't think that the choreographer is all to blame in how I saw myself, but a contribution to previous experience through my competitive skating journey, I struggled with maintaining a certain weight. You see the lighter you are, the higher and easier it is to jump. So there a certain pressure that is put upon you.

Me at 18 years old with the cast of Paradise On Ice in Slovenia

This show was very much what I called a learning curve, I learnt that you only counted to 8 and you had to be exact every time.

I did this show for two months, and all the time pretending I was ok, but I really wasn't, confidence depleted, not good enough is how I felt.

After this show I joined Holiday On Ice, and it was with the same choreographer. I was dreading it and I was scared. Was it going to be the same situation? I just remember him looking at me like like he hated me. I still see the scowl on his face.

When I arrived I wasn't the new girl anymore, but there was lots of skaters and it being their first show, and the pressure was off me for a bit.

There were still a lot of negatives and also some positives. I met some amazing people, most were American, as this show was in Puerto Rico in the Caribbean. When I saw the choreographer he was all smiles to me and pleasant, smiling he said, "How are you?" Just these simple words put me in a temporary state of security.

When rehearsals began, he didn't really pick on me that much, but the horrible comments he said to me in Slovenia, he had the same script and was saying it to all the new people. I then knew that it was his way of trying to create something great and that I should not take it personally. Easier said than done.

I'm second one in on the left here. I still struggled with my weight but on the plus side, I remember getting my counts right, and I could tell where I had to be on the 18th count on 4. So clearly I had grown a bit, even though I still felt unhappy and that I still wasn't good enough.

Me, I am the 2nd one from the front, me also at 18 years old with the cast of Holiday On Ice in Puerto Rico

I recently watched a film called, "Whiplash". About a younger drummer trying to become something great and to impress the conductor. The conductor was a bully not only verbally but also physically. The conductor in this film wanted to create something great, but it came with consequences. In some places while I was watching this film, it reminded me of how I felt and what I went through at this point in my life. It wasn't all verbal, there was some physical. Physical not to myself but I witnessed someone get dragged off the ice because they weren't in their show girl pose and they had rounded shoulders. This was in the year 2000, Seems a life time ago and definitely wouldn't be allowed now.

Each show I did I improved in the way I performed but the struggle of my weight and my confidence was always the same story. I didn't know through out most of my show career that I was Coeliac and couldn't eat gluten. Now that I know I can't have gluten and haven't had it for 18 years, my weight never really changes. So this is why I had the struggle. But I have adopted a habit which I think comes from the show skating and possibly the competive side of skating as well and that is, I have to weigh myself every day.

My my past battles is what I feel has made me keep pushing, keep trying, don't let those people that created those feeling win and I never stop trying to improve myself, it sounds exhausting and when I right it down. It makes me feel tired.

I have so many more stories to tell you about my show girl days but this is a little snippet of why I have hold ups about my body, and perhaps how I may seem confident but in side there is a little voice, but I choose not listen.

I recently got asked to perform on new years eve, and I will be doing a peal. I do have worries, since having my second child, I feel a bit deflated in a certain area, and I'm worried that they are going to be disappointed in my assets. But it won't stop me from doing it, as I know it's all in my head.

This is why I started doing Burlesque in the first place, to enjoy performing but not worry about all those things that my previous show lifestyle had to offer. Feeling positive that you can be anything you want to be, you can escape, you can surround yourself with like minded people, you can enjoy moving to liberating music and release that stress at the same time. To laugh at ourselves and not take ourselves to seriously. Just to have fun.

So wobbles are real, you will keep on having them them but don't let those wobbles win, as it only stops us from enjoying who we are and who we want to become.

My first proper Burlesque photo shoot

By the way don't believe everything you see, there is a lot of photoshop in this picture, I had gold shoes on and they made them red.

Trixie Valour xxxx